Your feelings are not always reality

Dearest Gigi,

Next week we are going on a cruise. I am over-the-top excited. I am not a fan of cold weather, one of the main reasons we live in Texas, so your brilliant father is taking us to the Caribbean.

This reminds me of the last time we went on a cruise as a family.  You will not recall the experience, but it is worth retelling. For the first two days I was terribly sea sick. I had all these great ideas about how I was going to work out and then relax on the boat, but it was everything I could do not to lose my lunch. After two  precarious days, with the help of sea bands, I got used to rocking and the movement. Not enough to run on a treadmill, but enough to enjoy myself.  In fact, by the end of the trip, I almost found the swaying and noise of the ocean to be relaxing as we went to bed. However first thing in the morning the sway of the ship would unbalance me.

The trip home was difficult. There had been an ice storm while we were away. We landed in flip flops and shorts to a cold front that even chilled the Galveston coastline. As we drove north, weather went from bad to worse. In Dallas, highways had been closed due to massive ice accumulation, and we lived north of Dallas! That night, armed only with our vacation clothes, we stayed in a hotel as we quickly lost daylight and the roads re-froze. All five of us, plus your grandmother in one hotel room. Imagine that.

That night as we settled as best we could, I laid in bed and felt the room sway. Gentle, methodic and rhythmic swaying. Had we not been on the ground floor of the hotel, I would conclude the winter north wind was shifting the building. I could almost hear the ocean waves in central Texas.   I felt I was still on the ship. My equilibrium was so set on the movement of the ship that even though we were in the Texas Hill Country, I felt like I was moving.

And here is my point, not all feelings are reality. Not all feelings are true, truthful or even logical. We live in such an age where we are encouraged to do what we feel. Slogans and billboards preach if it feels rights then it must be right. That is not the case. Our feelings can deceive us, as did mine in this occasion and others.

I have had times in my life where I felt unloved and hopeless. Strong feelings that produced a physical reality for me in fatigue, weariness and deep sadness. Yet these feelings were not and are not reality.  I am a deeply loved child of God. (Col 3:12)

You will be told to follow your heart, go with your feelings and do what you feel. Let me caution you to test your feelings with truth. And yes, before you ask, there is truth, there is absolute. Not everything is grey. Your feelings may tell you to break a promise, compromise your values or even condemn yourself, but feelings can be wrong. Seek counsel, seek reality and truth and then and only then act on those feelings.

Not all feeling are wrong, but not all feelings are right.

Verses that spoke truth to me: 

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. (Psalm 40:1-3 NIV)

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18 NIV)

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:12, 13 NIV)

It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. (Psalm 119:71 NIV)

Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. (Luke 12:32 NKJV)

The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17 NKJV)

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy. (Psalm 94:19 NIV)

For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession. (Deuteronomy 7:6 NIV)

And I pray that you and all God’s holy people will have the power to understand the greatness of Christ’s love—how wide and how long and how high and how deep that love is. Christ’s love is greater than anyone can ever know, but I pray that you will be able to know that love. Then you can be filled with the fullness of God. With God’s power working in us, God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine. (Ephesians 3:18-20 NCV)

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. Let Israel say: “His love endures forever.” Let the house of Aaron say: “His love endures forever.” Let those who fear the Lord say: “His love endures forever.” When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place. The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper. I look in triumph on my enemies. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes. All the nations surrounded me, but in the name of the Lord I cut them down. They surrounded me on every side, but in the name of the Lord I cut them down. They swarmed around me like bees, but they were consumed as quickly as burning thorns; in the name of the Lord I cut them down. I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. (Psalm 118:1-14 NIV)

You're the Best Song I'll Ever Write

Dear Gigi,

I found this song that so closely expresses what I feel about you (and all my babies) that I have to save it, share it and even explain it  bit to you.  I've posted the link of a live performance by the artist but here are the lyrics.

Good Morning, You and the sun the sun are up, before I'm ready.

But ready or not, you need me,  So here I am 

I am learning that in the long hard days
There is beauty
You know my favorite place to see is
Its when I look at you.  

And though Im tired now,
you're worth every sleepless night.
You're worth it all because I know 

Chorus
You're the best song I'll ever write.
And we're humming and dancing through the years together
You're the best song I'll ever write
And I pray you"ll hear Jesus in it
When you're older 

I remember when you were just a heart beat that I heard
and now our eyes meet, forever
It's not enough to love you.  

Chorus  

Every  prayer for you is like a seed in the ground
Every tear I cry is like rain.
And in it's due season, I pray a harvest will be found
Your heart and mouth confessing Jesus' name
Your heart and mouth confessing Jesus' name. 

Chorus 

This song speaks so much loves and describes a little bit how much I love you. I love you with all my heart. My mind is constantly thinking of you.  From the moment I discovered I was going to have a baby until now, you are in my thoughts and my thoughts are of a deep love for you.

There is nothing you will ever do, ever say, no place you will ever go that will cause me to stop loving you.  I will always love you.  I will never purposely cause you harm, never purposely discourage your dreams.  I confess, I am a selfish person, limited and lacking, and yet I would move heaven and earth, if I could, to show you love.  My precious child, I will do everything in my power to protect you, comfort you and encourage you to what God has planned for you.

What does God have to do this? Everything!  My love for you, although great is imperfect. My love is a grain of sand in the sea of love God has for you. God's love is perfect and his thoughts of you are infinite.

Psalm 139:17-18 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them, Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. 

That is only a very small picture of what God's love is like. His love allows me to love you at  a human capacity. His love is so much greater.  He loved you so much that he gave his precious child up to save you. I am understanding this mystery at a deeper level now, because of you.  How could I ever give you up?!? Never!  I love you too much. Yet God gave up His only child, so that we could know Him.

 Romans 8:32
"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all---how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?' 

You see we were separated from God. Because God is perfect and we are not. We are separated because God is Holy. But God provided a way. He sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for you!

John 3:17For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

You see, Jesus made a way for an unholy world to be with a Holy God, for an imperfect people to be with a perfect God, for the broken soul to be made whole again.

So my prayer for you is that you will one day understand this love, you will understand your need for a savior.   This love is greater than any love you will ever know and it will fulfill you more than anything else you'll ever find.   I pray my actions toward you will point you to God.

I pray that as you get older you will come to know this truth, and each day grow in knowledge of His love.

Dear Gigi: Trust God with Your Dreams

Dear Gigi,

I love telling this story. I tell it all the time, but I thought I would write it down for you. To remind you to trust God with your dreams, to trust He has the best plan for you and your family, even when its not your plan.

Your first year of life was hard.  Food allergies for an infant is hard, hard on the baby and harder on the parents. We worried, we prayed, we all grew older that year, for the better and for worse.

After your first birthday, we knew what your allergies and we were able to avoid them. You flourished. My beautiful baby was a toddler and I missed the baby stage. I cried at the thought of weaning you. The thought of the baby stage ending made my heart sad for time gone forever.

Your dad was content with the size and the completion of our family. He was clear that he did not want another baby.  That rough first year was felt by your father just as deeply as me, maybe more so. He did not want any more children, he said his heart could not take it. I did not disagree. It was a hard year. And yet, I envisioned three children. In my heart there was another baby that belonged in our family.

But he was right. We were tired, our emotions were raw with stress and worry. And what if the other baby had food allergies like you? or worse. So, although I longed for another baby, I did not disagree with my husband. So I quiet, and hoarded baby clothes.

I kept and stored every stitch of baby clothes you and your older brother ever wore. Six bins of baby clothes were stashed in the attic, drawers, and under beds. I was saving for that baby that we were never going to have. My fear was if I gave away my baby clothes,  I would give away my third baby dream. I did not trust God to provide for this desire.  I thought I knew better.   I did not.

At Christmas, our church friends gathered for a holiday party. The party discussion for the evening was if Christ were coming to dinner, what would we give him for Christmas? We went around the room and gave various intangible things, some gave Facebook time, some gave others things. Truth be told, I do not recall what others gave because I was consumed by my gift. I knew the instant the question was asked what I would give. I would give all my baby clothes. Actually I would give my trust to God for another baby and I would give away all my baby clothes.  I could hardly get the words out with out crying.

The following week, even the act of gathering these clothes drove me to tears. Yet, I kept my promise. That is was faith is, not only believing that God will provide, but acting on it. The analogy of a chair comes to mind, not only believing that the chair will hold you up, but actually sitting in the chair. So for me, it was not only believing that God would fulfill my desire, but to trust by giving away all these baby clothes.  I choose to believe God would fill my void. And IF (a big if) I was to have another baby,  He would provide all the baby needed.  I needed to trust God and my spouse  about what was best for our family. I needed to put my desires aside and trust.

This was about two weeks before Christmas. By christmas, the difficult task had been complete. Then we all got sick. You, me, your father and brother all got the stomach flu for Christmas. Christmas was cancelled. We called your grandparents and told them not to come to the house of illness. We were traveling the next month and we would celebrate then.

The week after our trip, I discovered I was pregnant. It seems God's Christmas gift to me was a stomach bug, But this stomach bug, and meds that followed to recover, completely eliminated the effectiveness of my birth control.

Then there was the act of telling your dad. When I think back on that day of worry, I believe I was attacked. Attacked by negativity and doubt and lies. I married a good, honest, gentle man that loves us more than himself. I feel badly for worrying all day, I wasted time that I did not have to.

Your dad knew.

What?!? "How did you know?" I cried.

"God told me you were pregnant. I just knew" He said calmly.

"If you knew why didn't you tell me?!?"

"Because if you weren't pregnant, you'd wanna be!" he smiled.

We laugh about it now.

Your brother's name, Samuel, means asked of God.  Because I asked for another baby, and your dad asked for another boy.  He said he could only handle one girl, one Gigi.

So we asked and God answered with Samuel.

I think God was waiting for my trust. His plan is the best for us. Sometimes that lines up with what we want, and sometimes it doesn't. But God knows better than us.

I do not know what your heart desires as you read this. A school, a job, a relationship, a baby, a goal, a change.....but I know that God has a plan for you. I pray that you will trust Him with your dreams and rest knowing that His ways are perfect.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.        Jeremiah 29:11

Always travel in Hope and Kindness

Dear Gigi,

Today we went to the bike store to retrieve my road bike. I've been injured off and on for the last two months, so I am moving forward with something new. I've owned this bike for over an year and have yet to take a ride. Its time.  Its time to try something new and learn how to fly in a new way. That's the hope part. It's easy to push and push and get frustrated as our plans don't go our way. Its much harder to try a new direction. Don't mis-understand, I'm not giving up on running....but I choose now to travel in hope and try something new.  I hope I like it cycling.  I hope I love it.  I hope I keep running too.

We were the first to arrive at the store. In fact, we arrived before the clerk.  He arrived flustered and late and grumpy.  He complained how "the other guy" did no work and left a mess for him to clean up. He complained that he had worked 16 days straight without a day off. He complained that my bike was not ready because the "other guy" is lazy and on and on.

I was annoyed. Frankly I didn't care about him or his troubles. He was rude and unprofessional. He said my bike would be ready in an hour and to return then. He would work on my bike just as soon as he cleaned up the mess the other guy left him.

We left to deliver meals and I was hot. What terrible customer service! Really! I would pick up my bike and never return. No, I would pick up my bike and then called the owner and complain of his bad behavior.

You were sitting in the back with your brothers, unaware that anything was the matter.

"That guy was really grumpy," I said.  No answer, none of you noticed. You were in awe of the hundreds of bikes lined up neatly in a row. Really I'm surprised I noticed as I was terrified that one of you would knock one or more of the bikes over. They were poised for the dreaded domino effect.

"If you were grumpy and had to work, what would make you feel better?'

"Play a game for 10 hrs" Sebastian chimed in.

"Well, he can't because he's at work"

"Go home to mom & dad?"  Sweet Sam.

"He can't, he has to work."

"He needs a snack." Oh Gigi, you are wise beyond your years.

He probably got out of bed 10 mins before arriving at work and didn't have breakfast. Your sweet heart softened mine. It was settled. We would eat our lunch at the Chic-fil-A next door to the bike shop and bring this grumpy guy a cookie. I can't imagine a reprimand from his boss would help his demeanor, nor losing his job.

When we returned he was still working on my bike. I frowned.

"I brought you something." I said cheerfully. He didn't look up.

"Oh?" He grumbled.

"Yes, we thought you were having a rough day, so we brought you a cookie."

He looked down at the cookie. "Sweet!"

His entire demeanor changed. He cheerfully told me the story  of knocking all the bikes over in the store as I fussed at Sam not to touch anything. I paid and he helped me load the bike into our minivan. Which he did with ease and joy.

Other than the "sweet," nothing was said about the cookie. But he cheered quite a bit. And that was worth it. Far more than wondering if my complaint got him fired, I left knowing that I, at least, increased his sugar levels and he was no longer hangry (hungry + anger).

Travel in kindness, my dear Gigi. Although I might have felt better, telling him or his boss about his bad behavior, it would have helped no one, including me. This way, it might help the next customer that walked in.

I hope when you behave badly at your job, as we all do sometimes, that someone will extend grace, kindness and mercy.

"It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless." L.R. Knost

"Those who are Kind benefit themselves, but the cruel bring ruin of themselves." Proverbs 11:17 

"Be Kind whenever possible. It is always possible "  Dalai Lama XIV

Dear Gigi, Its a blessing to have your world rocked.

Dear Gigi,

Today, we celebrate. Perhaps your dad and I more than you, but celebration all the same. I write to today so that you can read about a time I am glad you will forget. Today you were cleared of your last food allergy.  Today  we sat at the doctors office and waited for any reaction from your food challenge.  You passed with flying colors, without  hiccup, rash or any other discomfort. You watched a movie while I waited and watched you closely. My emotions heighten at the thought of your discomfort. Fear built up inside me and I prayed. 

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, 1John 4:18

To say that you rocked my world when you were born would be an understatement. As baby #2, I thought I knew what I was doing. I did not. The story of your birth is a another story altogether.  I could write and write about how your surprised us all.  But this story took 5+ years to write. Years that we celebrated today...what marked what allergies would be a part of who you are and what you would outgrow.

After we brought you home, I expected the sleepless nights and the sleepy days. I had your very easy brother to compare you to a newborn.  I expected the 4th trimester of getting to know each other, nursing, sleeping, cuddling. Yet, you were not well. The crying went thru the night and into the day. After nursing, you would be less happy. Colic some called it, but something told me it was more.  As a mother, always listen to your gut. if something is wrong find out and keep looking till you get the answer. 

At your 6 week newborn appointment, I stressed my worries to the doctor. She dismissed me as over sensitive new mother, telling me that I did not nurse you enough and this would pass. I explained my concern for your unsettled demeanor and your scary diapers, the doctor seemed unmoved and unconcerned. And then, as if by on command, you had a bowel movement. I showed the doctor what was scaring me and immediately, she acknowledged and confirmed my worry, and I heard for the first time about food allergies. 

I was then advised to put you on formula. The Dr. explained that because you took in everything I took in, the safest route was to feed you formula until we were able to determine what your allergies. I felt defeated. I quit my job to care and feed you and now a major part of that would be removed. The logic did not make sense to me either. If you were allergic to milk and soy, what was left? Chemicals?  The Dr. explained to that because we did not know your allergies, I'd have to remove from my diet the top 8 allergens; milk, eggs, soy, peanuts, tree nuts, shellfish, wheat and corn. She had never met a mother able to remove all of those from their diet. My mental response, watch me.  I tell you this, because you are stronger than me, and You can do hard things too. 

And there started our food allergy journey. Of documenting everything I ate, pumping and saving milk that I feared had a contaminate. Endless appointments at specialists. This was not an easy journey. We saw pediatricians, pediatric gastroenterologists, dermatologists, allergists, and multiples of each as we were active duty military stationed at a training hospital, then moved when you were nine months old. So we had several starts and stops, with some exposures, skin reactions and many sleepless nights both from worry and from unrest. 

I recall cutting you fingernails one night, feeling tired emotionally, physically and spiritually, and I clipped your finger. It was then I broke down and cried. I cried to God, admitting I could not do this. I had reach the point of giving up and I needed help. I do not know how we made it thru our first year. It rocked my world.....but what a blessing. 

Because of you, I learned how to read food labels. Because of you, we are all healthier. I learned about chemicals, additives and preservatives, things I never even considered before. I learned about the value of whole foods, whole grains and clean eating. These things would never have even graced our door. Before you, two working parents ate whatever was fast and easy. As a result, my health improved as I removed allergens from our diet. 

Because of you, I learned how to cook. There was a time I thought such domesticated pursuits were beneath me. I was wrong. There is honor is caring and loving your family. There was a steep learning curve, but I embraced the climb. The transition from working mother to stay-at-home mom can be difficult, you filled every empty moment with purpose. 

Because of you, I learned that I could give beyond myself, leaning on the strength of a love greater than myself and we grew stronger together. This very difficult time was a blessing to us all. Struggle is a blessing, because of what we learn from it. There is a reason for struggle. 

And now we are here, five years later and here you are cleared from food allergies. And yet, I wouldn't change our journey for the easy road, for how can we know peace if we don't know struggle?