Disappointment is a bitter pill to swallow. It tastes sour and full of salt and then gets caught in your throat. You have to keep gulping it down only then for it to give you heart burn. But disappointment is universal. Everyone will experience it one way or another. Perhaps there's some comfort in that you are not the only one with disappointment stuck in your throat.
But what I want to tell you is that nothing is wasted. No disappointment, no heartbreak or heart burn needs to be wasted in you life. There is benefit to disappointment, lessons learned with new roads that don't lead down to the same destination. A foundation of experience is laid for you to rise that much higher on the step you just built.
This is my take away as I am digesting my disappointment of my first DNF or Did Not Finish. My first DNF came after two years of injury and 8 months of training. My first DNF came on the 20th anniversary of my first marathon. It came at a destination race with the most accommodating and considerate friends that hosted us in their beautiful home and even more beautiful town. It was suppose to work. It was suppose to a glorious redemption of my last pitiful marathon. But it was not. And I am disappointed.
My initial goal for this marathon, the 2019 Colorado Marathon, was to complete my training free of injury....which is simply to say, to complete it. As a 43yo marathoner, this was no an easy task. I had been injured, essentially, since turning 40, attempting two marathon build-ups and failing to reach the starting lines both times. Then there was the long elusive injury diagnosis. A case where no doctor could accurately diagnose the ailment, much less cure it. Until they did. Then cautiously I returned to my first love, to running, to training, and to marathon dreams.
And so it was, I contacted the coach that cheered me on, even while injured, to train me for my marathon. We slowly added mileage, long runs, speed work. I got tired, achy, my hamstring got tight. My piriformis got angry. The goal remained the same, stay healthy, do no harm, finish the training. I got massages, chiropractic adjustments, increased my water, cut out alcohol. I weight trained, cross trained, stretched, activated my glutes....all with the goal to complete the training. Make it to taper injury free.
And I made it. The last long run was ugly, painful and full of fatigue but complete. In my training, there was only one workout in which I would label poorly executed, but otherwise I did it. I accomplished my goal. I competed my training with 95% success. I did not get injured, I did not get sick, I did not even catch a cold during this cycle.
Elated, I moved to my next goal.... to dedicate each mile. For each mile I would have a song and a person to think about and pray. What a beautiful process! People I had not spoken to in years reached out to me with a song and a prayer. Lots of songs I did not know from hip-hop to rap to praise and worship. This was the best distraction for my taper.
Four days before the marathon, I went out for my last run, a speed play, a fartlek. All the training was done, this was just to refresh legs that had been resting. Within a half mile of my run, I tripped and fell. I slid like a baseball player sliding into home base. I fell hard with road rash on both forearms, knees and belly. But hopped up in anger. Anger that I fell, Anger that I fell four days before that marathon, and anger I was in pain at all. Theres is nothing like angry adrenaline to make race pace seem easy! I WAS NOT injured, although the next day I felt the effects of my fall. The day we traveled, I was suppose to get in an easy run, I overslept and missed it. Five months of training and I had not one missed run until now. No matter, I made it to taper. I was injury free.
We arrived Friday and were welcomed by friends, and went immediately to the race expo and to dinner. The plan for the remainder of the stay was rest. Sunday morning started with a 3:30am alarm. The race is a point to point, meaning runners are bussed out 26 miles to run into the finish. I had made a race plan with my coach, from pace to course to Plan B. I had my playlist complete with my own playlist to fill in the gaps of 3 and 1/2 + hours of music. I was ready... this was cake I told myself. I already met my goal, just enjoy it, I told myself.
Oh, but I was not completely honest with myself either. Of course I had a time goal. How else would I get training paces? This was the comeback. Not only did I want to finish, I wanted to finish with a PR or very near to it..... this was my inner goal and hope and expectation. And nothing leads to disappointment faster than unmet expectations.
The race was beautiful and steep. I knew going into the race that it was a net downhill, essentially a downhill race. I thought, Great! I am great at running downhill....So the race started and by mile 11, I knew my race was over. By back was aching, my knees were hurting and I felt heavy. Not how I hoped to feel on race day.
My time goal changed immediately. I slowed. I slowed again. Just relaxed. Run easy. Do no harm. This did not help. My back continued to cramp. I walked a water stop. New plan, walk every water stop to hydrate and give my back a break. My back did not improve. I began to worry. Of all my many injuries, I never felt pain in my back. I began to count the cost of this race. I knew I could finish, I knew I could walk/run the rest of the race.... but what would be the end result? A finishing time and an new injury? I decided then to drop out the race.
At the expo, we decided my family and friends would meet at mile 20 to cheer. So I would drop at 20 when I saw my family.
I began to skip my songs in order to hear everyone’s songs. I wanted to get thru each persons song and prayer before pulling out of the race. My family’s songs were at the end of the playlist.
At 17, the runners and I completed the downhill portion of the race and course became flat. The sun was up and with no cloud cover it became hot. With no downhill to aggravate my back, I relaxed a bit and no longer needed to concentrate so hard. I felt the ease of just running and not thinking about running. I could make it to 20. Then I saw my husband just passed 17. He had my sunglasses that I had forgotten. I ran up to him and hugged him.....something I would not had done if I was running well. “How’s it going?” “I’m done for today”
And just like that, my race was over. I walked off the course. I was almost sorry, my husband was at 17. If I had waited till 20 would I have felt better and continued the last 10 kilometers? The next few days were full of the what if questions. What if I stayed, what if I trained differently? What if I did not fall 4 days earlier? After a shower and breakfast, we walked back into downtown to view some the city. There was a party in the town square, that I assumed was the post race party and I broke into tears.... I was disappointed. All that training and build up to end in disappointment.
My runner friends sent me texts and messages of condolences and encouragement. I will tell you to find your group to support your dreams. You will need cheerleaders no matter your endeavor to celebrate with you and, in my case, to pick you up again when things don’t turn out how you’d like.
It was my sweet friend Sharla that sent me a tweet from another runner that was exactly what I needed to see. I had seen it before, but now it was so relevant, the remedy to get thru my disappointment.
My training was not wasted. Whatever comes next, I have an entire completed marathon buildup from which to grow. I was injured for two years! Two years of very little or no running and I completed a 15 week training plan injury free. All those miles will fortify additional miles. My base is bigger and my floor is higher for next time. And there will be a next time. I love training. I love the long run....and that is always connected to a race for me. So I will try again, not sure when or where but it will happen. And it will happen with this race and this training to build from.
Dearest child, you will be disappointed. Perhaps not in a race, as simple as this is, your disappointment might come from a deeper and more significant way. A relationship that you worked hard to nourish and protect might end. A job opportunity or project might give returns less that ideal. The test that you sacrificed time and effort to succeed might return exposing your deficiencies rather than your hard work. And you will be disappointed.
But those disappointments do not have to be wasted. Use them to grow. Acknowledge your test deficiencies and build from there, retake the test. The next project, use those results to recognize obstacles and plan ahead. And as far as relationships are concerned, the romantic in me says love freely regardless, but the mama in me says, learn from past relationships on who you are and what you want and certainly what you don’t want. Look for red flags from the past and move forward.
And build again. As bitter as disappointments can be, they can help us grow and create more and better. And know I’m cheering you on, no matter your endeavor.
Love mom. ❤️
