Let me just start by saying I have, by no means, arrived when it comes to marriage. I have such a long way to go. In fact, your father and I had a disagreement this morning reminding me how much more we need to grow to make it to 40 years of marriage! But I will say I know more now than I did when I first got married. Thru lots of marriage retreats, seminars and counseling, we’ve learned some tools to navigate the waters that is marriage. Nothing I’m writing is original, but given to me at some point as a gift and I wish to give to you.
I hope you read this as a newly wed....which hopefully means you won’t need or read this for another 15 years. But I’ll jot them down for you now anyway.
I’ll freely state that I had no idea what I was doing when I got married. I married for love. I did not know the man your dad would turn out to be, but God did. So by the grace of God go I. I have known many that did the same as me, and blindly married for love and did not make it to 5 years, much less 20. That is not a great feat of mine, but God’s. I married a good faithful man, not because I choose him, but God choose him for me. So I will say this to you, love God first. He will provide for you with and without a spouse. It is also super important to start with someone that shares your faith. It’s not impossible, but one less hurdle to cross so that when you face challenges you can come together in the faith in a faithful God.
MARRIAGE COUNSELING Even as I typed “lots of “ I hesitated to think you or others reading this might believe our marriage has always been challenging, that is not the case. We were told early on, marriage counseling should not be chemotherapy, or the last thing you do before you die. Instead marriage counseling should be like vitamins, something to strengthen and protect you. Don’t wait till you’re struggling and haven’t spoken in weeks to seek help. Don’t wait till your ready to file for divorce with therapy as the last ditch effort. Start now! Marriage retreats, seminars, counseling sessions. Let it fortify you for what’s to come. Invest in your marriage the way businesses invest in their company with training, networking and strategy sessions.
MAKE A BUDGET, GO ON DATES, TALK ABOUT SEX
These are the three main things we learned in our first years that have helped us tremendously.
Know how much money you need to pay your bills and save for the month. Then with the left over, split it down the middle so you each have mad money. This has saved us from many fights....why did I spend so much on that sweater...or do I need a $4 coffee? Make a budget, pay your bills, save and then don’t nitpick about the rest.
Part of that budget should be an allowance for a regular date night. I think once you’re married it’s easy to take for granted that you’ll eventually talk because you live together. This is a mistake, because weeks can go by and you still don’t stop and sit across from each other and talk, especially in the early years when money is tight and dates are seen as a luxury. Make it a necessity. Take time to look nice for each other and go on a date and talk.
And in that date talk about sex. Yup, have a conversation about it. Why it’s great, why it’s not, and how to make it better.... talk. It’s important.
I asked your dad what he’s learned in 20 years of marriage. His response, walk away when your spouse is being irrational. Brilliant advise!! We all have our moments. We’re tired, hangry, overwhelmed, stressed and we have a bad moment. It’s not always necessary to engage. In fact, to engage might actually make it worse. Take a deep breath, and step back. We all need a moment to vent. And by vent, hot steam can burn....so don’t hang out. Allow the venting, give it time and come back. Many times, it’s just that...venting and then the stress, or hangryness passes and you can come together again. This will help avoid a blow-up for something not worth a blow-up.
As a wife and mom, I will say don’t make your husband and your children your whole identity. Said a little differently, don’t allow your family to be the whole of you. Marry your best friend. But don’t make him your ONLY friend. Have girl friends, lots of them. Have a community you can lean on.
Focus on your children, but don’t make your children your only focus. Have and do something outside of your family. You were a whole person before marriage and family and you still are a whole person with them. For me it’s been running, for you it can be anything, education, job, fitness, a hobby, a passion, art, music...anything that is you. It is okay to have something that is just you and not your husband’s and not your children.
Your husband and your children will overwhelm your life sometimes. That’s okay. There are seasons for this too. I believe you really can have it all....just not all at the same time.
My current season is changing and I am finding my way...again. And that’s okay too. You and your brothers are now all in school. Junior high and finishing elementary, and you don’t need me as much. I’m asking God how to love you well. I am asking where I fit....After 20 years of marriage, I still have so much more to learn about me, about your dad and always about you.
Love Mom.
