What grief is like....

Dear Gigi,

I guess I'm writing because I wish someone would have told me what grief is like. I have struggled with depression in the past but this is different. I suppose I wish my mother or father wrote down their thoughts at the loss of their parents so I could have a reference. It is not that I've never known grief, or perhaps maybe I haven't and that is why this seems like uncharted territory.

Timeline: My father's body was found Monday, I was told Tuesday, his memorial was Sunday.


Tuesday passed with scheduled events. I took you and your brothers for annual exams and then a meeting with the bank, lunch, piano lessons and appointments. Life continued. I felt numb. Sad, of course, but without tears I expected. I even told the worker that came to measure my windows for blinds. I was on the phone when I answered the door and felt like I needed to explain.

I would say that grief at that point was muted by disbelief. It did not feel real.

That night I contemplated his final hours and the aftermath. There was no sleep. So I listened to an audio book to distracted me. The next day, I was physically tired but not exhausted, I went to work and completed more appointments. School started for the year for you. And I cried as you left for school. I genuinely cried that you were a year older.

At this point I would relate to grief as a bucket of emotion. When life is going well and tragedy strikes, the bucket fills but doesn't overflow. You can move forward and hold your emotion. But then there's no room for life. Small things that normally would not have you in tears reduces you to a puddle.  My kids started school, some one did something thoughtless, I was overlooked in an invite, and now I'm crying. Not specifically for my dad or for the grief of his passing, but for those insignificant things. Not that those things would break me, there's just no room for them. And yet at this point I still felt like its not real.

I talked more with my brother, about what arrangements needed to be made, we discussed possible dates for funeral/memorial and dad's last wishes.  It felt like work, a task at hand. But now with more than a day to think about it, it felt like hard work. Heavy, like test anxiety. This is when I noticed I did not want to talk to anyone. Especially about grief.  Head down finish the task.

Wednesday night, I noticed I did not have any pictures up of my Father. We just moved to our new house in October. Although pictures were out, none were of him. So I went looking. Looking specifically for one we could use at the memorial. I searched boxes in the attic and closets for pictures. I was on a mission... still on task.

Thursday, I called my uncle and we solidified the date and time of the memorial. My father wished to be cremated so a memorial would take place instead of a funeral. A memorial in a home instead of a church or funeral home. No viewing.

This was different then I remember. When my grandmother died, there was a viewing at a funeral home, then church service, then a graveside service, then a luncheon at someone's home. This was different as it seemed liked we skipped to end with the luncheon at a home.  I wonder if dad would have wanted it that way?

On Thursday, I made it FaceBook official and posted the date and time of his memorial. At this point, my emotional cup is completely full and there is no room for everyday living. I feel tired and hungry but I can't sleep and food is unappealing. Then I decided to tell my children before some well-meaning person broke the news before I did.

I said all the things I believe and believed at that moment. My dad closed his eyes to sleep and then opened them in heaven. We will see him again. He is pain free and happy. You cried immediately. I had not yet cried, or even comprehended grief. Then you went home and wrote him a love letter of goodbye.

The following day we traveled to DFW. Still tasks at hand: greet family, plan service, organize pictures, recall life history. Saturday we spent the day with your cousins. It was an all day playdate and good for me to see his eight grandchildren play together. That night the children went to the movies and the parents went to dinner. Still with a task to plan a memorial service.

Sunday: travel, church, travel, lunch, travel, memorial. Dig, push, dig, repeat.

We left the memorial not long after its completion. School and work awaited us on Monday morning after a 5.5 hour drive. Hugs, pictures, load the chidden, the car is running and we're off.

And then came my first major wave of grief. The task was over. I had no idea what was coming.  I believed everything that was spoken. There is no forever death...we will meet again. That did not stop this pain and I sobbed. You watched a movie in the back of the mini van and I cried off and on for the entire drive home.

Monday arrived and it was the first thing to come to mind. Loss. Like a wet blanket I carried it all day. I went to work. Cried when someone said they were sorry. I no longer had a task...it was done and I think that's what broke my heart. Every memory and mention had a physical pain that caused tears.

Tuesday I made deliveries and hoped no one would ask. I needed a new task to distract. I parked next to a hearing aid store. That alone brought another wave of grief.  My dad often lost his hearing aids and now he doesn't need them.

Fragile. Grief makes you feel fragile. The opposite of what I strive to be everyday. 

Without going into our complicated relationship, what broke my heart the most and added to this loss is the stories of how proud he was of his children and grandchildren. The stories of him going on and on about us. I did not know. I did not know he was proud.

Grief comes at seemingly random times. I'm at work, in the quiet of the basement and I recall the last time I talked to dad at work. Then I remember I will never talk to him on the phone again. And I recall that he was/is proud of me and I cry. Grief is like ocean waves. Some smaller some bigger depending on what triggers them. Some I can stand, and some I get washed away and cry in the basement at work. 

Currently, what bring me to tears is the newess. My dad was alive (x time) ago. I had oppounity to talk to him and its gone now.  I wonder how long that will last?

Advice if you know someone in a season of grief:

• Don't ask, "how are you?"  That is such a loaded question. No we are not well, or fine. The normal answers, but it is hard to answer honestly, nor do we want to answer honestly. Say, "I'm so sorry", or "I'm thinking of you, hope you are well" That takes the pressure off to answer or respond. 
• Don't say, "If you need anything, let me know" I will never reach out. In my own grief which includes self doubt and low self-esteem, I will not have the strength to reach out. Just come. My best friend and my neighbor just told me they were bringing over food. It was nice. I did not ask, but I so appreciated the meal. I felt loved. 
• If you happen to be with someone when a wave of grief hits them, you don't need to say or do anything. Just be. I personally don't like to be hugged, but my husband held my hand and that was all that was needed as I cried. 

Dearest child, death is inevitable. This is my first heavy bout it. And I assume, like everything else, everyone is different. I hope you navigate well. I hope this helps you in your season.
Writing and running helps me.
I wish I could run right now. But I can't so I cope.

Love,
Mom

What I’ve learned in 20 years of marriage.

Dear Gigi, 

Let me just start by saying I have, by no means, arrived when it comes to marriage. I have such a long way to go. In fact, your father and I had a disagreement this morning reminding me how much more we need to grow to make it to 40 years of marriage! But I will say I know more now than I did when I first got married. Thru lots of marriage retreats, seminars and counseling, we’ve learned some tools to navigate the waters that is marriage. Nothing I’m writing is original, but given to me at some point as a gift and I wish to give to you. 

 I hope you read this as a newly wed....which hopefully means you won’t need or read this for another 15 years. But I’ll jot them down for you now anyway. 

I’ll  freely state that I had no idea what I was doing when I got married. I married for love. I did not know the man your dad would turn out to be, but God did. So by the grace of God go I. I have known many that did the same as me, and blindly married for love and did not make it to 5 years, much less 20. That is not a great feat of mine, but God’s. I married a good faithful man, not because I choose him, but God choose him for me. So I will say this to you, love God first. He will provide for you with and without a spouse.  It is also super important to start with someone that shares your faith. It’s not impossible, but one less hurdle to cross so that when you face challenges you can come together in the faith in a faithful God.

MARRIAGE COUNSELING  Even as I typed “lots of “ I hesitated to think you or others reading this might believe our marriage has always been challenging, that is not the case. We were told early on, marriage counseling should not be chemotherapy, or the last thing you do before you die. Instead marriage counseling should be like vitamins, something to strengthen and protect you.  Don’t wait till you’re struggling and haven’t spoken in weeks to seek help. Don’t wait till your ready to file for divorce with therapy as the last ditch effort. Start now! Marriage retreats, seminars, counseling sessions. Let it fortify you for what’s to come. Invest in your marriage the way businesses invest in their company with training, networking and strategy sessions. 

MAKE A BUDGET, GO ON DATES, TALK ABOUT SEX 

These are the three main things we learned in our first years that have helped us tremendously. 

Know how much money you need to pay your bills and save for the month. Then with the left over, split it down the middle so you each have mad money. This has saved us from many fights....why did I spend so much on that sweater...or do I need a $4 coffee?  Make a budget, pay your bills, save and then don’t nitpick about the rest. 

Part of that budget should be an allowance for a regular date night. I think once you’re married it’s easy to take for granted that you’ll eventually talk because you live together. This is a mistake, because weeks can go by and you still don’t stop and sit across from each other and talk, especially in the early years when money is tight and dates are seen as a luxury. Make it a necessity. Take time to look nice for each other and go on a date and talk. 

And in that date talk about sex.  Yup, have a conversation about it. Why it’s great, why it’s not, and how to make it better.... talk. It’s important. 

I asked your dad what he’s learned in 20 years of marriage. His response, walk away when your spouse is being irrational.  Brilliant advise!! We all have our moments. We’re tired, hangry, overwhelmed, stressed and we have a bad moment. It’s not always necessary to engage. In fact, to engage might actually make it worse.  Take a deep breath, and step back. We all need a moment to vent. And by vent, hot steam can burn....so don’t hang out. Allow the venting, give it time and come back. Many times, it’s just that...venting and then the stress, or hangryness passes and you can come together again. This will help avoid a blow-up for something not worth a blow-up. 

As a wife and mom, I will say don’t make your husband and your children your whole identity.  Said a little differently, don’t allow your family to be the whole of you. Marry your best friend.   But don’t make him your ONLY friend.  Have girl friends, lots of them. Have a community you can lean on. 

Focus on your children, but don’t make your children your only focus. Have and do something outside of your family. You were a whole person before marriage and family and you still are a whole person with them. For me it’s been running, for you it can be anything, education, job, fitness, a hobby, a passion, art, music...anything that is you.  It is okay to have something that is just you and not your husband’s and not your children. 

Your husband and your children will overwhelm your life sometimes. That’s okay. There are seasons for this too.  I believe you really can have it all....just not all at the same time.  

My current season is changing and I am finding my way...again. And that’s okay too.  You and your brothers are now all in school. Junior high and finishing elementary, and you don’t need me as much. I’m asking God how to love you well. I am asking where I fit....After 20 years of marriage, I still have so much more to learn about me, about your dad and always about you. 

Love Mom. 

Dear Gigi: Nothing is wasted. (thoughts on my first DNF)

Dear children:

Disappointment is a bitter pill to swallow. It tastes sour and full of salt and then gets caught in your throat. You have to keep gulping it down only then for it to give you heart burn. But disappointment is universal. Everyone will experience it one way or another. Perhaps there's some comfort in that you are not the only one with disappointment stuck in your throat.

But what I want to tell you is that nothing is wasted. No disappointment, no heartbreak or heart burn needs to be wasted in you life. There is benefit to disappointment, lessons learned with new roads that don't lead down to the same destination. A foundation of experience is laid for you to rise that much higher on the step you just built.

This is my take away as I am digesting my disappointment of my first DNF or Did Not Finish.  My first DNF came after two years of injury and 8 months of training. My first DNF came on the 20th anniversary of my first marathon. It came at a destination race with the most accommodating and considerate friends that hosted us in their beautiful home and even more beautiful town. It was suppose to work. It was suppose to a glorious redemption of my last pitiful marathon. But it was not. And I am disappointed.

My initial goal for this marathon, the 2019 Colorado Marathon, was to complete my training free of injury....which is simply to say, to complete it. As a 43yo marathoner, this was no an easy task. I had been injured, essentially, since turning 40, attempting two marathon build-ups and failing to reach the starting lines both times. Then there was the long elusive injury diagnosis. A case where no doctor could accurately diagnose the ailment, much less cure it. Until they did. Then cautiously I returned to my first love, to running, to training, and to marathon dreams.

And so it was, I contacted the coach that cheered me on, even while injured, to train me for my marathon. We slowly added mileage, long runs, speed work. I got tired, achy, my hamstring got tight. My piriformis got angry. The goal remained the same, stay healthy, do no harm, finish the training. I got massages, chiropractic adjustments, increased my water, cut out alcohol. I weight trained, cross trained, stretched, activated my glutes....all with the goal to complete the training. Make it to taper injury free.

And I made it. The last long run was ugly, painful and full of fatigue but complete. In my training, there was only one workout in which I would label poorly executed, but otherwise I did it. I accomplished my goal. I competed my training with 95% success. I did not get injured, I did not get sick, I did not even catch a cold during this cycle.

Elated, I moved to my next goal.... to dedicate each mile. For each mile I would have a song and a person to think about and pray. What a beautiful process! People I had not spoken to in years reached out to me with a song and a prayer. Lots of songs I did not know from hip-hop to rap to praise and worship. This was the best distraction for my taper.

Four days before the marathon, I went out for my last run, a speed play, a fartlek. All the training was done, this was just to refresh legs that had been resting. Within a half mile of my run, I tripped and fell. I slid like a baseball player sliding into home base. I fell hard with road rash on both forearms, knees and belly. But hopped up in anger. Anger that I fell, Anger that I fell four days before that marathon, and anger I was in pain at all. Theres is nothing like angry adrenaline to make race pace seem easy! I WAS NOT injured, although the next day I felt the effects of my fall. The day we traveled,  I was suppose to get in an easy run, I overslept and missed it. Five months of training and I had not one missed run until now. No matter, I made it to taper. I was injury free.

We arrived Friday and were welcomed by friends, and went immediately to the race expo and to dinner. The plan for the remainder of the stay was rest. Sunday morning started with a 3:30am alarm. The race is a point to point, meaning runners are bussed out 26 miles to run into the finish. I had made a race plan with my coach, from pace to course to Plan B. I had my playlist complete with my own playlist to fill in the gaps of 3 and 1/2 + hours of music. I was ready... this was cake I told myself. I already met my goal, just enjoy it, I told myself.

Oh, but I was not completely honest with myself either. Of course I had a time goal. How else would I get training paces? This was the comeback. Not only did I want to finish, I wanted to finish with a PR or very near to it..... this was my inner goal and hope and expectation. And nothing  leads to disappointment faster than unmet expectations.

The race was beautiful and steep. I knew going into the race that it was a net downhill, essentially a downhill race. I thought, Great! I am great at running downhill....So the race started and by mile 11, I knew my race was over. By back was aching, my knees were hurting and I felt heavy. Not how I hoped to feel on race day.

My time goal changed immediately. I slowed. I slowed again. Just relaxed. Run easy. Do no harm. This did not help. My back continued to cramp. I walked a water stop. New plan, walk every water stop to hydrate and give my back a break. My back did not improve. I began to worry. Of all my many injuries, I never felt pain in my back. I began to count the cost of this race. I knew I could finish, I knew I could walk/run the rest of the race.... but what would be the end result? A finishing time and an new injury?  I decided then to drop out the race. 

At the expo, we decided my family and friends would meet at mile 20 to cheer. So I would drop at 20 when I saw my family. 

I began to skip my songs in order to hear everyone’s songs. I wanted to get thru each persons song and prayer before pulling out of the race. My family’s songs were at the end of the playlist. 

At 17, the runners and I completed the downhill portion of the race and course became flat. The sun was up and with no cloud cover it became hot. With no downhill to aggravate my back, I relaxed a bit and no longer needed to concentrate so hard. I felt the ease of just running and not thinking about running. I could make it to 20. Then I saw my husband  just passed 17.   He had my sunglasses that I had forgotten.  I ran up to him and hugged him.....something I would not had done if I was running well. “How’s it going?” “I’m done for today” 

And just like that, my race was over.  I walked off the course.  I was almost sorry, my husband was at 17.  If I had waited till 20 would I have felt better and continued the last 10 kilometers?  The next few days were full of the what if questions.  What if I stayed, what if I trained differently? What if I did not fall 4 days earlier?  After a shower and breakfast, we walked back into downtown to view some the city.  There was a party in the town square, that I assumed was the post race party and I broke into tears.... I was disappointed.  All that training and build up to end in disappointment. 

My runner friends sent me texts and messages of condolences and encouragement. I will tell you to find your group to support your dreams. You will need cheerleaders no matter your endeavor to celebrate with you and, in my case, to pick you up again when things don’t turn out how you’d like. 

It was my sweet friend Sharla that sent me a tweet from another runner that was exactly what I needed to see. I had seen it before, but now it was so relevant, the remedy to get thru my disappointment. 

My training was not wasted. Whatever comes next, I have an entire completed marathon buildup from which to grow. I was injured for two years! Two years of very little or no running and I completed a 15 week training plan injury free. All those miles will fortify additional miles. My base is bigger and my floor is higher for next time. And there will be a next time. I love training. I love the long run....and that is always connected to a race for me. So I will try again, not sure when or where but it will happen. And it will happen with this race and this training to build from. 

Dearest child, you will be disappointed.  Perhaps not in a race, as simple as this is, your disappointment  might come from a deeper and more significant way. A relationship that you worked hard to nourish and protect might end. A job opportunity or project might give returns less that ideal. The test that you sacrificed time and effort to succeed might return exposing your deficiencies rather than your hard work. And you will be disappointed.

But those disappointments do not have to be wasted. Use them to grow. Acknowledge your test deficiencies and build from there, retake the test.  The next project, use those results to recognize obstacles and plan ahead.  And as far as relationships are concerned, the romantic in me says love freely regardless, but the mama in me says,  learn from past relationships on who you are and what you want and certainly what you don’t want. Look for red flags from the past and move forward. 

And build again. As bitter as disappointments can be, they can help us grow and create more and better.  And know I’m cheering you on, no matter your endeavor. 

Love mom. ❤️

Dear Younger Me

Our church is going thru a sermon series called Self Talk. How we talk to ourselves matters. Our Pastor asked us, the first week,  "What would future you tell present day you?" This question annoyed me.  If I knew future me I would know the future and therefore have all the answers!

I posed this question and my irritation with my community group. Their wisdom was profound. They said, future you would probably tell present you what you would tell past you. Meaning, my future self would say the same things I would tell my younger self. I had to ponder this. What would i say to my younger self?

What a question! How many times have we heard the phase, "if I knew then what I know now!"
I started to think about the mistakes and regrets that I have plenty of.  What would I try to avoid? How would I avoid it?

I thought about you. I am an "older mom." I had my kids later than the average mom. While friends were having children in their 20s, I waited till I was 30.  Would I change that? No. I was not ready to have children, and no amount of future knowledge would change that. God's timing is perfect and you came at the perfect time.

What I would tell myself to save myself from heartache and headache, that I would have rather avoided is this:

Your worth, your value and ultimately your purpose are from God and God alone. 

The majority of the mistakes I've made, past present and probably future have come from me striving to find my self worth.

Here's what I would tell myself thru my life stages.

In elementary I would tell myself, that those jeans and those clothes would make you no more valuable than the girls with the expensive wardrobe.  And their treatment of you, for not having the right clothes, does not dictate you worth.

In junior high, I would tell myself, your parent's multiple breakups have nothing to do with you. Although they fight about you and your siblings, you do not hold them together. No amount of better behavior will save their marriage. It is not about you. It is about them.

In high school, I would tell myself that the boyfriend does not define you. No amount of your time, energy, emotion or your body will be enough to give you or him what you both need.

In college I would tell myself that your talent or lack thereof does not give you value. Races won or not won, points scored or not scored, passing or failing grades does not give you anymore value than the non athlete or the academician.  And the teammates, roommates and coworkers that clamor and grasp and leave you out and snub you are JUST AS LOST AS YOU, and trying to find their self worth too.

In grad school, I would tell myself to save my money. I would say save the sleep for something worth losing sleep over.  Those letters behind your name will not matter. You will not be more important, more validated or more worthy because you have a master's degree. It will not change your path, or your worth.

As a newly wed, I would tell myself to love my husband but not find my worth in his eyes. He is his owe person with his own dreams and struggles. And when you rely on him to give you worth and value,  not only are you disappointed but you are worried, afraid and anxious.  None of these things draw him closer to you, in fact they push him away.

As a new mom, I would tell myself to rest. There is no book, no method, no training for newborns. They are hard. And when it is hard, it does not mean you are less of a mom. It just means that it is hard.


You are of infinite value. And when you feel insecure spend time with  the savior that loves you and gave His life for you.  Stop and pray. Read scripture and write down your insecurities. Spend time alone and time with another that knows your worth.

The more you know about the Savior, the more you will know about yourself.  And the more you know about yourself, the less you will need others to validate you. The more you know about the love of the savior, the less things of this world you will need to fill the void that only He can fill.

So what would future me tell me now? I think I know.

Spend more time with the savior. Take your worries, your insecurities and your heart to the Father. Your past value and future comfort will come from Him because He loves you.


Scripture to get you started and helped me:

Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me;  you have delivered me from the depths, from the realm of the dead. Psalms 86:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will callon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:11-13

The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying:  “I have loved you with an everlasting love;  I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.  Jeremiah 31:3

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29-31

Facades and the benefit of letting yours down.

Dear children,

I took this picture 5 years ago knowing I had something to say about it. It seems things will marinate in my thoughts a while before they bubble up and I must write them down. Or in this case, write to you.

This building is in a small town in Oklahoma. One of the larger and nicer buildings in this area. I assumed that the rest of the building was the same as the front. As I turned the corner one day, I caught a glimpse of the side. This stately building was not as it seemed, it was a facade. It was not brick, not tall and not very pretty.  I took a picture and moved on, but I thought about this in our own lives as well as in buildings.

We live our lives online today. We have online personas, accounts, images, and brands. It is impossible not to be online and have a presence.  Businesses, offices, grocery stores and artists each have a website, an instagram account and a twitter feed. It is how we communicate with the world and each other. We find our news, our weather, our inspiration for our homes, our workouts, and our fashion. We are constantly looking at a screen for information and of course, friends.

What we are also looking at, in all those smiling faces, happy families and epic experiences, is a facade. Its just the pretty outer layer. Its the tall brick facing of an otherwise plain metal building.

The facade is real and not all together bad. I myself use photo filters to blur my wrinkles. I post all the happiness of family adventures and victories. What I do not post are the arguments, mis-undertandings and bad hair days. My plain building is not for the world to see. I don't recommend you share with the world the whole of you. The world is cruel and mean and will "shame" whatever imperfections you dare to share.

Build your facade. Make it pretty,  for the world is watching, including your future boss and mother in law.

My advice, in this world of facades, is to take yours down, for a few or for a person that you see in person, face to face.  Find that person or persons that you allow to know the plain building of you, without the filters and the overly happy persona. Be able to confess you are scared, anxious, joyful, embarrassed, stressed, sleepy,  depressed or just okay. Have one or a few that will hold your hand and pray when you can't.  That will sit next to you in silence when words are not necessary, or cheer you on when no one else knows your struggle or your goals. A friend that will tell you when you are being irrational, jealous or stupid and you will trust them enough to listen. A friend that can speak wisdom into your life and you can accept it because there is no jealousy or envy between you.

Make knowing and being known to actual people a priority. Let them know you outside of a screen. You might find them through online groups, but then meet in person. Gather often and be known.

I have such a friend. Outside of your father, she is the one that knows me best. It is both comforting and scary. This person has the power to break my heart and I've allowed it. I treasure it and will care for it.

Take your facade down, for one or a few. Finding this person or persons is no easy task. It is indeed easier to keep everyone behind the filter, in front of the facade and at arms length. But the reward of trust and sisterhood is an amazing prize worth seeking.

You will be a better person, a better spouse and a better friend for doing so. Will you get hurt? Probably. Is it worth it? Absolutely.



Scripture that helped me:


Proverbs 13:20  Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.

Proverbs 18:24  A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

John 15:13 Greater Love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.