Dear Gigi: Nothing is wasted. (thoughts on my first DNF)

Dear children:

Disappointment is a bitter pill to swallow. It tastes sour and full of salt and then gets caught in your throat. You have to keep gulping it down only then for it to give you heart burn. But disappointment is universal. Everyone will experience it one way or another. Perhaps there's some comfort in that you are not the only one with disappointment stuck in your throat.

But what I want to tell you is that nothing is wasted. No disappointment, no heartbreak or heart burn needs to be wasted in you life. There is benefit to disappointment, lessons learned with new roads that don't lead down to the same destination. A foundation of experience is laid for you to rise that much higher on the step you just built.

This is my take away as I am digesting my disappointment of my first DNF or Did Not Finish.  My first DNF came after two years of injury and 8 months of training. My first DNF came on the 20th anniversary of my first marathon. It came at a destination race with the most accommodating and considerate friends that hosted us in their beautiful home and even more beautiful town. It was suppose to work. It was suppose to a glorious redemption of my last pitiful marathon. But it was not. And I am disappointed.

My initial goal for this marathon, the 2019 Colorado Marathon, was to complete my training free of injury....which is simply to say, to complete it. As a 43yo marathoner, this was no an easy task. I had been injured, essentially, since turning 40, attempting two marathon build-ups and failing to reach the starting lines both times. Then there was the long elusive injury diagnosis. A case where no doctor could accurately diagnose the ailment, much less cure it. Until they did. Then cautiously I returned to my first love, to running, to training, and to marathon dreams.

And so it was, I contacted the coach that cheered me on, even while injured, to train me for my marathon. We slowly added mileage, long runs, speed work. I got tired, achy, my hamstring got tight. My piriformis got angry. The goal remained the same, stay healthy, do no harm, finish the training. I got massages, chiropractic adjustments, increased my water, cut out alcohol. I weight trained, cross trained, stretched, activated my glutes....all with the goal to complete the training. Make it to taper injury free.

And I made it. The last long run was ugly, painful and full of fatigue but complete. In my training, there was only one workout in which I would label poorly executed, but otherwise I did it. I accomplished my goal. I competed my training with 95% success. I did not get injured, I did not get sick, I did not even catch a cold during this cycle.

Elated, I moved to my next goal.... to dedicate each mile. For each mile I would have a song and a person to think about and pray. What a beautiful process! People I had not spoken to in years reached out to me with a song and a prayer. Lots of songs I did not know from hip-hop to rap to praise and worship. This was the best distraction for my taper.

Four days before the marathon, I went out for my last run, a speed play, a fartlek. All the training was done, this was just to refresh legs that had been resting. Within a half mile of my run, I tripped and fell. I slid like a baseball player sliding into home base. I fell hard with road rash on both forearms, knees and belly. But hopped up in anger. Anger that I fell, Anger that I fell four days before that marathon, and anger I was in pain at all. Theres is nothing like angry adrenaline to make race pace seem easy! I WAS NOT injured, although the next day I felt the effects of my fall. The day we traveled,  I was suppose to get in an easy run, I overslept and missed it. Five months of training and I had not one missed run until now. No matter, I made it to taper. I was injury free.

We arrived Friday and were welcomed by friends, and went immediately to the race expo and to dinner. The plan for the remainder of the stay was rest. Sunday morning started with a 3:30am alarm. The race is a point to point, meaning runners are bussed out 26 miles to run into the finish. I had made a race plan with my coach, from pace to course to Plan B. I had my playlist complete with my own playlist to fill in the gaps of 3 and 1/2 + hours of music. I was ready... this was cake I told myself. I already met my goal, just enjoy it, I told myself.

Oh, but I was not completely honest with myself either. Of course I had a time goal. How else would I get training paces? This was the comeback. Not only did I want to finish, I wanted to finish with a PR or very near to it..... this was my inner goal and hope and expectation. And nothing  leads to disappointment faster than unmet expectations.

The race was beautiful and steep. I knew going into the race that it was a net downhill, essentially a downhill race. I thought, Great! I am great at running downhill....So the race started and by mile 11, I knew my race was over. By back was aching, my knees were hurting and I felt heavy. Not how I hoped to feel on race day.

My time goal changed immediately. I slowed. I slowed again. Just relaxed. Run easy. Do no harm. This did not help. My back continued to cramp. I walked a water stop. New plan, walk every water stop to hydrate and give my back a break. My back did not improve. I began to worry. Of all my many injuries, I never felt pain in my back. I began to count the cost of this race. I knew I could finish, I knew I could walk/run the rest of the race.... but what would be the end result? A finishing time and an new injury?  I decided then to drop out the race. 

At the expo, we decided my family and friends would meet at mile 20 to cheer. So I would drop at 20 when I saw my family. 

I began to skip my songs in order to hear everyone’s songs. I wanted to get thru each persons song and prayer before pulling out of the race. My family’s songs were at the end of the playlist. 

At 17, the runners and I completed the downhill portion of the race and course became flat. The sun was up and with no cloud cover it became hot. With no downhill to aggravate my back, I relaxed a bit and no longer needed to concentrate so hard. I felt the ease of just running and not thinking about running. I could make it to 20. Then I saw my husband  just passed 17.   He had my sunglasses that I had forgotten.  I ran up to him and hugged him.....something I would not had done if I was running well. “How’s it going?” “I’m done for today” 

And just like that, my race was over.  I walked off the course.  I was almost sorry, my husband was at 17.  If I had waited till 20 would I have felt better and continued the last 10 kilometers?  The next few days were full of the what if questions.  What if I stayed, what if I trained differently? What if I did not fall 4 days earlier?  After a shower and breakfast, we walked back into downtown to view some the city.  There was a party in the town square, that I assumed was the post race party and I broke into tears.... I was disappointed.  All that training and build up to end in disappointment. 

My runner friends sent me texts and messages of condolences and encouragement. I will tell you to find your group to support your dreams. You will need cheerleaders no matter your endeavor to celebrate with you and, in my case, to pick you up again when things don’t turn out how you’d like. 

It was my sweet friend Sharla that sent me a tweet from another runner that was exactly what I needed to see. I had seen it before, but now it was so relevant, the remedy to get thru my disappointment. 

My training was not wasted. Whatever comes next, I have an entire completed marathon buildup from which to grow. I was injured for two years! Two years of very little or no running and I completed a 15 week training plan injury free. All those miles will fortify additional miles. My base is bigger and my floor is higher for next time. And there will be a next time. I love training. I love the long run....and that is always connected to a race for me. So I will try again, not sure when or where but it will happen. And it will happen with this race and this training to build from. 

Dearest child, you will be disappointed.  Perhaps not in a race, as simple as this is, your disappointment  might come from a deeper and more significant way. A relationship that you worked hard to nourish and protect might end. A job opportunity or project might give returns less that ideal. The test that you sacrificed time and effort to succeed might return exposing your deficiencies rather than your hard work. And you will be disappointed.

But those disappointments do not have to be wasted. Use them to grow. Acknowledge your test deficiencies and build from there, retake the test.  The next project, use those results to recognize obstacles and plan ahead.  And as far as relationships are concerned, the romantic in me says love freely regardless, but the mama in me says,  learn from past relationships on who you are and what you want and certainly what you don’t want. Look for red flags from the past and move forward. 

And build again. As bitter as disappointments can be, they can help us grow and create more and better.  And know I’m cheering you on, no matter your endeavor. 

Love mom. ❤️

Dear Younger Me

Our church is going thru a sermon series called Self Talk. How we talk to ourselves matters. Our Pastor asked us, the first week,  "What would future you tell present day you?" This question annoyed me.  If I knew future me I would know the future and therefore have all the answers!

I posed this question and my irritation with my community group. Their wisdom was profound. They said, future you would probably tell present you what you would tell past you. Meaning, my future self would say the same things I would tell my younger self. I had to ponder this. What would i say to my younger self?

What a question! How many times have we heard the phase, "if I knew then what I know now!"
I started to think about the mistakes and regrets that I have plenty of.  What would I try to avoid? How would I avoid it?

I thought about you. I am an "older mom." I had my kids later than the average mom. While friends were having children in their 20s, I waited till I was 30.  Would I change that? No. I was not ready to have children, and no amount of future knowledge would change that. God's timing is perfect and you came at the perfect time.

What I would tell myself to save myself from heartache and headache, that I would have rather avoided is this:

Your worth, your value and ultimately your purpose are from God and God alone. 

The majority of the mistakes I've made, past present and probably future have come from me striving to find my self worth.

Here's what I would tell myself thru my life stages.

In elementary I would tell myself, that those jeans and those clothes would make you no more valuable than the girls with the expensive wardrobe.  And their treatment of you, for not having the right clothes, does not dictate you worth.

In junior high, I would tell myself, your parent's multiple breakups have nothing to do with you. Although they fight about you and your siblings, you do not hold them together. No amount of better behavior will save their marriage. It is not about you. It is about them.

In high school, I would tell myself that the boyfriend does not define you. No amount of your time, energy, emotion or your body will be enough to give you or him what you both need.

In college I would tell myself that your talent or lack thereof does not give you value. Races won or not won, points scored or not scored, passing or failing grades does not give you anymore value than the non athlete or the academician.  And the teammates, roommates and coworkers that clamor and grasp and leave you out and snub you are JUST AS LOST AS YOU, and trying to find their self worth too.

In grad school, I would tell myself to save my money. I would say save the sleep for something worth losing sleep over.  Those letters behind your name will not matter. You will not be more important, more validated or more worthy because you have a master's degree. It will not change your path, or your worth.

As a newly wed, I would tell myself to love my husband but not find my worth in his eyes. He is his owe person with his own dreams and struggles. And when you rely on him to give you worth and value,  not only are you disappointed but you are worried, afraid and anxious.  None of these things draw him closer to you, in fact they push him away.

As a new mom, I would tell myself to rest. There is no book, no method, no training for newborns. They are hard. And when it is hard, it does not mean you are less of a mom. It just means that it is hard.


You are of infinite value. And when you feel insecure spend time with  the savior that loves you and gave His life for you.  Stop and pray. Read scripture and write down your insecurities. Spend time alone and time with another that knows your worth.

The more you know about the Savior, the more you will know about yourself.  And the more you know about yourself, the less you will need others to validate you. The more you know about the love of the savior, the less things of this world you will need to fill the void that only He can fill.

So what would future me tell me now? I think I know.

Spend more time with the savior. Take your worries, your insecurities and your heart to the Father. Your past value and future comfort will come from Him because He loves you.


Scripture to get you started and helped me:

Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me;  you have delivered me from the depths, from the realm of the dead. Psalms 86:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will callon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:11-13

The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying:  “I have loved you with an everlasting love;  I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.  Jeremiah 31:3

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29-31

Facades and the benefit of letting yours down.

Dear children,

I took this picture 5 years ago knowing I had something to say about it. It seems things will marinate in my thoughts a while before they bubble up and I must write them down. Or in this case, write to you.

This building is in a small town in Oklahoma. One of the larger and nicer buildings in this area. I assumed that the rest of the building was the same as the front. As I turned the corner one day, I caught a glimpse of the side. This stately building was not as it seemed, it was a facade. It was not brick, not tall and not very pretty.  I took a picture and moved on, but I thought about this in our own lives as well as in buildings.

We live our lives online today. We have online personas, accounts, images, and brands. It is impossible not to be online and have a presence.  Businesses, offices, grocery stores and artists each have a website, an instagram account and a twitter feed. It is how we communicate with the world and each other. We find our news, our weather, our inspiration for our homes, our workouts, and our fashion. We are constantly looking at a screen for information and of course, friends.

What we are also looking at, in all those smiling faces, happy families and epic experiences, is a facade. Its just the pretty outer layer. Its the tall brick facing of an otherwise plain metal building.

The facade is real and not all together bad. I myself use photo filters to blur my wrinkles. I post all the happiness of family adventures and victories. What I do not post are the arguments, mis-undertandings and bad hair days. My plain building is not for the world to see. I don't recommend you share with the world the whole of you. The world is cruel and mean and will "shame" whatever imperfections you dare to share.

Build your facade. Make it pretty,  for the world is watching, including your future boss and mother in law.

My advice, in this world of facades, is to take yours down, for a few or for a person that you see in person, face to face.  Find that person or persons that you allow to know the plain building of you, without the filters and the overly happy persona. Be able to confess you are scared, anxious, joyful, embarrassed, stressed, sleepy,  depressed or just okay. Have one or a few that will hold your hand and pray when you can't.  That will sit next to you in silence when words are not necessary, or cheer you on when no one else knows your struggle or your goals. A friend that will tell you when you are being irrational, jealous or stupid and you will trust them enough to listen. A friend that can speak wisdom into your life and you can accept it because there is no jealousy or envy between you.

Make knowing and being known to actual people a priority. Let them know you outside of a screen. You might find them through online groups, but then meet in person. Gather often and be known.

I have such a friend. Outside of your father, she is the one that knows me best. It is both comforting and scary. This person has the power to break my heart and I've allowed it. I treasure it and will care for it.

Take your facade down, for one or a few. Finding this person or persons is no easy task. It is indeed easier to keep everyone behind the filter, in front of the facade and at arms length. But the reward of trust and sisterhood is an amazing prize worth seeking.

You will be a better person, a better spouse and a better friend for doing so. Will you get hurt? Probably. Is it worth it? Absolutely.



Scripture that helped me:


Proverbs 13:20  Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.

Proverbs 18:24  A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

John 15:13 Greater Love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Struggling is to your benefit (a blessing)

Dear Gigi, (and Sam and SJ)


Do I want you to struggle? That is a complicated question. I will reserve my answer for now.
I want you to be strong. I want you to work hard. I want you to be humble. I want you to know God personally.
Do I want you to hurt?   No.
Do I want you to be afraid?   No.
Do those things come with struggle?   Yes.

When we first moved to Lubbock, none of you knew how to swim. Moving to a house with a pool, your father and I promptly got you swim lessons. Private lessons in our own pool so you would be comfortable and well aquatinted with the water right outside our door.  You took to the lessons quickly, your 2yo brother, did not. He hated swim time. He was afraid of water and yelled for the first several lessons. But after about 6 weeks of lessons, he became familiar with the water and started to enjoy playing on the shallow shelf.

At the end of the summer, we celebrated your older brother's birthday with a pool party, of course.   We enjoyed the July heat with popsicles and water! Your younger brother, now braver, enjoyed jumping into the arms of his grandmother. Over and over and over again he jumped to the safety of strong capable arms. There was no fear and no danger.

Then it was time to cut the cake. We all exited the pool to sing happy birthday. Everyone except the new little water lover. As we finished the song, I turned to see my 2yo happily jump back into to pool  with no one to catch him. He could not swim, a fact that had me follow him into the pool seconds after he jumped. He was delighted to find me fully dressed and very wet. He never knew there was any danger. Smiles and laughter and danger avoided.

The following Tuesday we addressed the incident with our swim instructor. He explained that your baby brother was in a very dangerous stage. He thought he could swim, but could not and he was not afraid of the water, water that just outside our back door. The instructors advice? Give Sam some healthy fear, let him realize he cannot swim, yet and to allow him to struggle. He said he would allow my 2yo to jump in the water and not catch him. Sam would try to swim and fail. He would realize the water is dangerous........So your father, our swim instructor, and myself collectively held our breaths, and Sam jumped in...fearless.  Sam struggled and I cried. His arms flailed, and he sank lower.

Its amazing when God speaks. In the moments Sam sank and three adults watched, and too be clear it was only moments, God whispered in my mama's heart. The heart that never wants any of you to struggle. The heart that wants you always happy and to rescue you from all discomfort, unpleasantness and disappointment. God whispered a thousand words in one second and I understood.

That struggle will save Sam's life. I need to allow Sam to struggle to save his life. Allow him to struggle.......

The most important thing God whispered while I cringed... "I have him."

The instructor pulled Sam up as he coughed and looked around. He was consoled and then taught how to float. Sam trusted the instructor, allowed him to hold him and teach him. The exercise was terrible to watch and probably saved his life. The struggle saved his life...as now, Sam wanted to learn to swim.


My point, embrace the struggle. You may not enjoy it, but it has purpose.  When you forget your homework, and fail, you learn responsibility. When you're late, you learn to set an alarm, or two.  When you can't keep up in academics or athletics, you learn to work hard. When you're broke, you learn to save and allocate money. When your clothes don't fit, you learn about eating healthy. When you get a speeding ticket, you learn to slow down. When you take an unpopular stance for what you believe, you learn who you friends are.

These are exceptionally simple examples, none are life and death. Often we don't see the purpose in our struggles until much much later. You, my Gigi, were a struggle. You had food allergies and I did not know what to do. But because of you and our struggle, I learned how to cook, to read labels and we are all healthier because of it.

Finally, when you struggle so much and you reach the end of you...the end of your grit, your strength, your ability, your rope.......you learn the God of mercy is there.  It sometimes takes the end of ourselves and the height of struggle to learn this powerful truth but it is worth knowing.

How can we know peace if we don't know a storm? How can we learn how to fly if the wind never blows. And how can we ever learn to get up, if we never fall?  God has you! Within the struggle,  God has you.

Do I want you to struggle? Still a hard question to answer.
I want you to know the God of Peace.

I hope you read this when you're struggling. I hope you read this when you're not. I hope you remember this when I don't rescue you. Please know that I want to. But I would rather you gain your footing and find your own faith, then to never to know a struggle.


Love,
Mom




Verses that help me during the struggle:

 

2 Corinthians 12:9 

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.    

Romans 15:13  

13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.     

James 1:2-6 

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  

Your Gaze is Your Aim - Lessons from snowboarding

Dear Gigi,

Your father loves winter sports. He loves the mountains, the snow and he especially loves skiing. I, on the other hand, do not. I like warm weather, sand and sunscreen. Mine, are a southern people. But I love your father and I love that he wants to share his passion with you and your brothers. So for spring break this year we gathered with friends and drove seven hours to the mountains. 

I did not enjoy the first day. I attempted to attend beginner lessons, but the boots set my feet on fire (an injury and story for another time). So after a mini pity party, I opted to try snow boarding, something very far out of my comfort zone. But I wanted to participate in something winter with my family, so snow boarding lessons were my next stop. I confess, strapping both legs onto a board on the side of a mountain, was not my idea of a good time. 

But I had an excellent instructor. After 5 minutes of how to fall correctly, up the chairlift we went. I was terrified, having never done anything like that nor being that high off the ground with my feet strapped to a board! She all but yelled at me on the lift when I started crying out of fear. "no, crying! you can't do anything when you're crying!" She held my hands and helped me off the lift as smoothly as possible. I was actually shocked (and pleasantly surprised) at how much easier the dismount from the chairlift, compared to the takeoff! 

At the top of the mountain, (aka bunny hill) we discussed how to ride down. After multiple falls and lessons in balance, it was possible. Then she gave me the best advise and to my utter surprise and delight, it worked! Then she said the same thing over and over in different ways, but the same message. 

• Look at where you want to go!
• Don't focus at what you want to avoid!
• You gaze is your aim.
• Keep your eyes up!

And I needed lots of reminders. So do you. So do all of us. 

So what does snow boarding mantras have to do with life? A lot, I think. It matters where you place your focus. It matters that you have a goal and work towards it.  It matters that you look ahead and not dwell on passed failures (more me, multiple falls) or potential pitfalls (trees).

I am not just talking about positive thinking. I am talking about mindfulness, thankfulness, faith and joy. 

Mindfulness, because we all need to watch where we are going, and we are all going somewhere. Don't just float, follow the crowd and worry about the future. Yes, we live in a broken world and its not hard to get caught up in the chaos and get distraught. But God has a plan for you, and me and anyone that still has breathe. Look up. Pray. 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Phil 4:8

 Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you . Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Proverbs 4:25-26

Thankfulness - When we are thankful, our load is lighter, our path is smoother, and the day is brighter. I fell, a lot. The more I fell the more I was afraid. Yet, each time I was thankful I was not injured and could get up again. You will fall. You will fail and you will get discouraged. Be thankful that you got THAT far. Get up and then start again at whatever it is you're aiming for, a grade, a job, a race or goal. We usually don't hit the mark on the first try, but what a difference it makes to be thankful that you get to try again. Be thankful for another day.  

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Phil 4:6

Faith and Joy - These go hand and hand, because it's impossible to have joy without faith. Joy is not like happiness, which is tied to our circumstances. Circumstances change year by year, month by month and day by day. Joy is tied to Faith. Faith in the One that has a plan for you. Faith in the One that is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. 

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.   Heb 13:8 

I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.   John 15:11-12

I hope you try something that scares the poop out of you and you learn something new, like I did. But in the meantime, I hope you can take my lesson and apply to your life. 

Love, 
Mom 

I lift up my eyes to the mountains — where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalms 121:1-2

Dear Gigi, Be disappointed, but keep going.

Dearest Gigi:

I am glad you are only 7 years old and missed the majority of the ugliness of this campaign season. I am thankful, that I am writing to you here rather then explaining to you now. But I know that will not always be the case. In fact, I believe things will get worse and your simplistic life will awaken to the darkness and complications of reality.  For now I write to you so you know my thoughts are on you and your brothers. I pray you will find hope and joy in God and not a person. People are fallible and will disappoint you, but God will never disappoint. His purpose is to give you hope and future and not to harm you. (Jer 29:11)

So there was a presidential election last week and I am disappointed. I say that because I am. The choices in the two major parties were both complicated and crooked. Both harmful and ugly. The difference is one had hidden sin and the other outward hate.

One candidate appeared to say all the right things, she appeared decent and honorable and trustworthy, but stories of how she lied and cheated and bullied surrounded her. She was called a traitor and cheater and yet she promised only good for the country. She preached tolerance, acceptance and hope, and yet I wondered how much was true. She worked for the government for 30 years, working at multiple levels of public service, yet there were stories how she used her positions to gain more wealth and power.

The other candidate was worse. He was loud and mean and outwardly hateful. He preached open hate. He made fun the disabled. He objectified and belittled women. He did not even try to appear  honorable, but was proud of his ugliness, ostracizing entire classes of people, religions and genders. I disliked everything about him. A man of multiple wives and multiple mistresses, and unashamed.

I disliked both if them, yet I still voted. I voted for the best person running for president. Although both dislikable, I really felt that more voters like me would vote for hope rather than outward ugliness.  That is how I voted. I would rather have hidden sin the outward evil. That is how I saw them. I know that is not very bright either.

Throughout the campaign I was disappointed in the hate that would spew from each party. I was disappointed at those that would ridicule and insult those that supported opposing parties, and I was disappointed by those that would make excuses for the failings of their candidate. I was disappointed how others would follow based solely on the party's views and not the candidates flaws, as if the views of the party over-shadowed all the candidate's failing. There was/is no guarantee of their future decisions. I wanted good men and women to stand up and say No, that is not right. But that did not happen, and when it did, it did not last for long.

On election night, the votes were tallied and I was disappointed again. In my naivety, I hoped that voters would choose that which was honorable, or at least appeared outwardly honorable. But they did not, and an ugly harsh, mean, rude man was elected. Then riots in the street. More hate spread at the aftermath, and more hope lost. I saw many who put their hope is a person completely devastated. Anger, sorrow, depression followed. There is no worse feeling than disappointment.

Dear Gigi do not put your hope this world. Do not put your hope in people. We live in a fallen world with fallen people. Your hope should firmly stand on God and God's word. God's word, the Bible recounts that this world is not our home, it is but only a grain of sand that is the ocean of heaven and a redeemed world.

All wrong will be made right, all tears will be wiped away and our God will take us home.
In the meantime, do not wallow in disappointment. In the meantime, get up and keep moving. Make your part of the world better, volunteer, love anyway and for goodness sake stand up for what you believe it. If it is wrong, say it is wrong! And if its right and true and follows God word, then stand for that too, even if its unpopular. Two things will last forever, People and Gods word.

Love God and Love others.

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
    And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly with your God.        Micah 6:8

Dear Gigi, You are enough

Dear Gigi,

When meeting a new person, I am often asked, "What do you?" An unassuming question to try to get to know me.  I confess I struggle with this question. I do not struggle with the answer, I struggle with the reaction of the person that hears my answer.

I struggle when I see questioner's eyes glaze over and suddenly we don't have that much in common any more. Or I struggle when the immediate response is, "I couldn't do that." But in the undertones it sounds like I couldn't do their job.

Recently the questioner went even further. A kind man, with no ill-will intended (I think) followed up with, "What do you do all day?"

I was shocked at the question, and found myself stammering and rattling off things I do to prove my worth. He seemed content with the answer and moved on.  I did not.  I played over and over in my head my possible answers. How could I have answered the question better?

Then, I had an idea. I would answer the question. For you, for the curious guy who has no idea, and for myself. I decided to take pictures of my day. A picture every hour documenting what exactly I was doing with my day.

5:30 AM start with 6 mile run

At the end of day, when all the work was done, all the errands and chores (for that day) and you were in bed, I sat and thought and felt empty and a little worthless.  I did something that day, that I had hoped to stop doing.... I was striving for acceptance.

There is nothing about my day that I changed. The pictures show a typical Monday. From early morning run, to Meals on Wheels, weights, piano, boy scouts, that is our typical Monday.  I did not change my day to take more pictures...but what I did do was THINK about it. I thought about those pictures all day long. I thought about what I was doing and why I was doing it and deep down, subconsciously I was asking for approval.

Is this enough? Am I doing enough? Am I enough as a Stay-at-home-mom? Would working and earning a paycheck make me enough?

If I rely on myself to answer this question, the answer is No.
Of my own power, I am not enough. Going even further, if I rely on other things, other than Christ the answer will still be a resounding no.

The magic number on the scale will not be enough. Even if you reach that magic perfect number on the scale, it will not be enough.

That large paycheck will not be enough. The promotion to put you above someone else will still not be enough, as there is still a higher rung on that ladder.

That degree, that race, those clothes, that house or car will not be enough to stop striving for acceptance. Because all of those things only perpetuate the problem.

It is the false belief that if we can only get X, our hearts be satisfied. But it is those things that empty our hearts even more and so we continue to strive.

It is when I stop striving and accept that Christ felt that I was worthy enough to leave heaven and die for me that I find peace. It is with that realization that I can go on with my day, knowing that I have been placed here for a reason. I am your mother for a purpose and God has a plan for my life.  It is then that I can smile at those that do not understand what I do all day or why.

Dearest Gigi, you are worthy. You are enough. God has a plan for you now, in this place and at this time.

I am not saying not to get that degree. I am not saying never to step on the scale. I am definitely not saying not to go for that promotion or to run that race. Houses, cars, clothes and all the luxuries we are afforded are not evil in themselves. What I am saying is those things in which we strive will not fill the God-shaped hole in our souls. Only God can fill that. And the wonderful part, God did that on purpose!  He has something better for you than the shallowness of this world.

I hope that you learn this sooner than I did... and am still learning. You do not need to strive.

You are enough....just the way God made you.

"For we are God’s Masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."    

Ephesians 2:10